Friday, March 09, 2007

My Ball and Chain

I live with someone who makes my life really difficult. I've known this person for a very long time, and I've gotta say that sometimes I wish I could get a break. This person is always making mistakes that I have to pay for. Some days I feel like I spend the whole day just cleaning up the messes this person leaves behind.

This thorn in my side has caused me to lose my job in the past. I fear sometimes that this individual will be a bad influence on the people around me, too. I know it seems obvious that I should probably stay away from anyone as bad as all this. But I'm stuck with him. This person is me.

Some people seem incapable of seeing when they are to blame for things going bad. They somehow never see their own faults. I don't get people like that. I feel like I understand lots of different kinds of people. But I've never been able to understand people who don't occasionally struggle with self-loathing. I can identify more with the great theologian, Pink, who said:

Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself.
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

At least now I know there are other people out there who feel the same way.

Ready for a brighter note?

I believe God can save me... even from me.

I've recently decided that I will not lie down and succumb to this wave of angst. I believe the Spirit that I have received is capable of doing better than that. I refuse to give up on being free of this ball and chain, because I've seen the Lord rescue me before. I choose to trust that He will do it again. Day after day, I will come to Him and believe that He is bigger than this person that I live with.

It will be a long struggle--one that I will fight for the rest of my life. I know that. But I think I'm finally realizing that He intends to make something out of this mess that is me. He will not quit, so neither will I.

Almost sounds kinda hopeful, doesn't it?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neil, I like what you say about the ball and chain we all carry, and let me say I am definitely a person who can see his faults, not one who is totally blind to them. I do know some people like that. I like that poem by Pink, I so often feel like that. I'm going to do like you do and day after day come to Him and believe that He is bigger than this person I live with.
Frank Viola in his new book talks about living from the indwelling Christ.
Jeanne Guyon talked about a state she reached where she was in union with God, where she was enveoped and posessed by Him. She spoke of it as a constant state. A continual prayer that starts as a simple turning within to Christ and grows until our whole life turns into prayer or our union with Christ becomes reality in every moment of our day to day life.
Has anyone experienced this or know anyone who has? Or is it more like the dance with God that you spoke of in your last post, because that is kind of like what I experience now. A kind of dance where I experience a sense of His presence deep within and even experience a pass of His Spirit outwardly in certain circumstances and or relationships, but then He withdraws, or I don't sense that anymore but I continue to hunger and long for it and even to pursue it, which is maybe Him calling me back, like in Song of Songs where He says rise up my love and come away with me.
Just some thoughts. The ball and chain we may always drag around, but there is something about that treasure we carry in jars of clay. Maybe the more we treasure that treasure the less we will feel the pull of that ball and chain. Where our treasure is thats where our heart will be. The treasure is in our heart.
Jerry from Philly,

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Eric said...


thanks for this and other postings. I appreciate the thoughts, ideas, struggles and insights you present. They bring me Christ....

Eric from Almere (Holland)

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us".

Looks like the Truth is in you brother.

Thats a God thing.

Whats even Godder is that the recognition of this fact, the acknowledgement and agreemeement that this is true...., this "weakness" gives lots and lots of room for the Lover of your soul to annoint the inner part of your being.

Consider it a "dip" in the divine dance of union with Christ.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, I have no idea what an "agreemeement" is.

Maybe its a southern thing.


5:17 PM  
Blogger Alexander said...

To learn about sin, please read "An Ordinary Black Cat" that is available in

12:16 PM  

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